Kids’ Letters to the F.B.I. is the title of a book published by Prentice-Hall in the year of 1966. Selected by Bill Adler and illustrated by Arnold Roth, the humorous correspondences were chosen from the thousands of letters that arrive every week at the headquarters of the Federal Bureau of Investigation in Washington, D.C.
Originating from boys and girls ages 4 to 19, the letters filling the pages of the book vary greatly in subject, touching on areas such as love, income and health. The brutal honesty that accompanies youth is indeed refreshing, and in most of these excerpts, guaranteed to make you chuckle.
Any guesses on what kids of more recent generations may have asked the F.B.I.? How many kids do you think write the D.E.A. every week?
I want to be the FBI man in charge of getting crooked girls.
A doctor? No thanks!
When I grow up I am going to be an FBI agent. My girlfriend thinks I should be a doctor. I have decided to get a new girlfriend.
Should an FBI agent be fat or skinny?
Practicing with Sis
I can lick my sister, but I never tried anybody else.
Brotherly Target Practice
I’m  but a real good shot. Just ask my brother.
Could you please tell me how much money an FBI agent makes every week? He wants to marry me someday, and I would like to find out before I say yes.
I hope those ties weren’t silk.
I think the FBI is very smart but I don’t think your men should ruin good ties.
Only send the names of the ones you will pay for. I don’t want to catch any worthless criminals.
Future Criminal of Future Fed?
Can you please tell me how I can get into the mafia?
Mr. Hoover is not my hero, Jesus is.
It’s harder to do a good job when you only have a pen knife.
Baking is for Grandma
The only women who like to stay in the kitchen are grey haired old ladies who like to bake apple pies.
As a crook…
How can you make more money, as an FBI or as a crook?
Do you have any handcuffs that fit old ladies?
My dad thinks I will most likely get killed.
Kids are Cheap
If it costs money, I like you a little less.
A Couple of Feds
My girlfriend and I would like to be FBI agents.
Bows and Arrows and More
Also any scalps the Indians got from the white men.